Sometimes... Ya Need a Lil Help

The stereotype and stigma about seeking help with mental health or substance abuse issues used to be that you were looked at as weak; that you couldn't make it through life on your own. That you didn't have enough willpower or self-discipline to just stop. That your Higher Power, however you view them, could save you from whatever demons had a grasp on you. But sometimes, you just cannot do it on your own. The average person in society does not know what it takes for a psychologically dependent person to "just stop."

I'm going to be 34 years old in a week. I've struggled with severe anxiety since I was a little kid. My depression and self-esteem issues were prevalent through my teen years. I started abusing caffeine pills at age 18, and drinking at 19. I've been cited and arrested, been on probation and house arrest, mostly due to incidents that occurred while under the influence. I've been seen by on-call crisis workers and been through several counselors and had hospital stays and involuntary psych unit holds. I've attended outpatient and residential inpatient treatment and had several detox holds. I've racked up thousands of dollars in fines, court costs, and medical bills for emergency room visits and ambulance rides. And had people ask me: "When is enough gonna be enough? What will it take... to scare you enough to quit drinking?

They say everyone has to reach their own individual rock bottom. Granted mine isn't the classic cliche of "I lost my family, house, kids, everything, etc." due to indulging in the bottle. I'm kind of lucky in that sense, as I have stable employment, a vehicle, a roof over my head, and a great support system in my neighborhood friends. But mentally and physically, I've reached my rock bottom.

On Mother's Day 2016, the best worst thing that could have happened to me... did. I got my first DUI. That was not a fun phone call to make at 2:30 in the morning:

"Happy Mother's Day Mom, can you come pick me up?"
"Where are you?"
"Reedsburg PD."

I got cited for driving under the influence, operating with a prohibited alcohol content, and an open intoxicant in motor vehicle. Over $1,000 in fines. I lost my driver's license for 6 months and had to get a restricted license that only allowed me to go certain places during certain times, for a limited number of hours per week. My insurance went from $69 a month to $144 a month for 6 months, then to $169 for the 6 months after that. I had to take an alcohol assessment, where normally for your first DUI they'll sentence you to attend a driver safety class of about 6-8 sessions that takes up 8 hours of your next 6-8 Saturdays, that must be completed prior to getting your driver's license back at the end of the 6 month revocation period.

Due to my history of alcohol use and abuse and prior attempts at treatment, I didn't get to take the drivers safety class. She said because there was probably nothing taught in there that I hadn't already learned in prior treatment. My "sentence" was a minimum of 6 individual counseling sessions at a facility of my choosing, and my workplace health facility was approved.

So I meet with the counselor there. All's fine and dandy, I complete the minimum amount of sessions, and decide it's helping me so I decide to continue. I get along great with this counselor, and he's the first one I've ever seen that didn't just say "oh, you have a drinking problem, you're an alcoholic, let's fix that..." Instead, he's digging deeper into WHY I may have a drinking problem, which no other counselor I have ever seen has done.

It took a year of consistent counseling, working through many ups and downs, and one terrifying incident recently that made me decide to be done.

Yes, I've decided to quit drinking. It's not going to be easy, and maybe at some point in the future I will be able to have one every once in awhile, but for now this is what I need to do for myself.

All I ask is that you respect my decision. I love all my friends and most are very supportive of this, and I'm not asking any of you to change your lives for my sake, but I will tell you one thing: If you do not respect my wishes (because it is what I need to do for me to figure out what is really wrong) and you constantly beg me to drink or you bring alcohol into my home, I will terminate ties with you immediately. Because that tells me you do not respect me as a person and do not care about my health, well-being, and my future. And that tells me you are not my friend.

I don't mean this to be harsh, but this is going to be super difficult for me at this phase. If you push it, well then... goodbye to you.

Wrapping Up 2016

Where has this year gone? I haven't even been keeping up in the blog much this year. Been almost a year since I've written anything.

It hasn't really been a good year. 2016 started with me moving out of Baraboo. It's a little bit of a trek to get to work now, but it is $75 less rent and no water bill. I'm not quite spending that much extra in gas, but the apartment is exactly the same as where I moved from in size... like the building is identical... it was a great find. Gets a little lonely sometimes, but it's ok. Then half the time I wonder why I even have a two bedroom apartment and king size bed since I almost always sleep in the recliner in the living room.

I didn't get to travel as much as I would have liked to this summer. More about why later.

My old high school sweetheart got in touch with me last November. In December, I drove out to Colorado to see him. Alone. That was quite a trip. I took Thursday and Friday off work, got back Sunday morning around 0200, and had to be to work at noon on Sunday. Fun trip. I have never done that before... it was kind of fun. Lonely, but I encourage you that if you ever get a chance to take a trip across a couple states by yourself, do it.

I went to visit him again in June. This time I took the northern route across MN and SD and stopped in Sioux Falls. Hence the new cover pic here on the blog. On the way home on that trip, I got pulled over three times within an hour for a burnt out headlight.... once west of Omaha, once in Omaha, and once just across the border in Iowa... all by State Troopers... Apparently in Nebraska they care more about burnt out headlights than the idiot who flew past me going way beyond the speed limit just a moment prior...

Then we went to see him again in July. This time my Dad drove and we took my niece with us. Took her to see the Falls also. Brought him back with us. That lasted about two months... on Sept. 2nd I packed him up and dropped him off at the Greyhound station and sent him back to CO. Wish it would have worked out.

So that's been about the extent of any fun this year. We went to Noah's Ark on my birthday. I haven't been there in about 8 years, and it wasn't as fun as I remembered it. I don't know if it's because I am bigger (vertically and horizontally) or just because I never really cared for that water park to begin with, but at least we had a nice hot day for it. I tried to have fun. It wasn't much fun. It was actually kind of terrifying. Once we got in... that was a slight battle... including me snapping on some customer in line behind us due to him interjecting his opinion that wasn't necessary. Going airborne in the tubes on the slides and landing hard, ouch. Waiting in line for rides. The best part of Flash Flood (the bridge) was closed. We mostly hung out in the Wave Pool and the lazy river. I'd rather have Riverview Park and Waterworld back.

The biggest reason my fun was limited this year is because I got my first DUI in May. That was an experience I never want to go through again. Aside from having to make this phone call at 2:30 in the morning:

"Happy Mother's Day Mom.... can you come pick me up?"

"Where are you?"

"Reedsburg Police Department..."

Yes, it was Mother's Day... the early morning hours... I was coming home after a night of drinking with some friends at their place, didn't even consider trying to find a place to stay. Stopped at a red light in Reedsburg, look in the mirror, nobody there, look in the mirror again, squad car behind me. As soon as the light turns green, he lights me up. I barely had the open bottle in my hand dropped into the cooler on the seat next to me and he is at my window.

My brake lights were inoperable.

And so was I.

I didn't try to hide it. There was no way I could. I failed field sobriety tests. I blew a .149 on the PBT.

I get arrested and taken to the PD. They were nice enough to have another officer come and park my vehicle on a side street instead of towing it.

Then they need to do a blood draw. Paramedic can't find my vein. That results in being handcuffed again and shackled and off to the ER in the squad car.

On the way to the ER, I got pretty upset. I told the officer now I have to pay for an ER visit because the city had an incompetent paramedic. The officer replied "trust me, he wouldn't have been my first choice either."

In and out of the ER. On the way back to the PD I asked the officer if the brake lights being out was the only reason I was pulled over; was I driving fine?

He replied yes.

But he continued to say that he is glad he stopped me because he would have hated to respond to find me wrapped around a tree or worse.

By the time we got back to the PD, my parents were there to fetch my car and drive me home. I walked out with a citation for the open container, one for driving under the influence, and a third for operating with a prohibited alcohol content.

I was told my license would be revoked on June 13th. Which is why I went to see my friend in CO the week prior. Discovering that while I was in CO, my license was revoked... but I lucked out big time... I was not valid when I got pulled over those three times in NE and IA... but I don't think they checked... that was a huge stressful mess... I was freaking out... but completely lucked out.

Then began the process of trying to get an occupational license so I could still drive to work. I call my insurance company... they didn't know how to handle it as I had to get SR22 insurance. I called the Baraboo branch of my company and they were able to help me out, but I had to have nearly $300 down and then my insurance would nearly double... in May, I paid $69 for full coverage on the car. In June, I would be paying $143, and then $140 a month for the next five months. Ouch.

The process alone at the DMV was a nightmare. Essentially it took about three hours and two different visits on two separate days to get it all straightened out to where I was somewhat valid to drive; at least I could get to work. $50 to get that. It'll be $200 to get my regular valid license back next week.

Then came the driver safety assessment. I had to put $50 down to schedule it, then pay the other $200 on the day of the appointment.

Then there was court and the fines, totaling over $1,000.... paying monthly on that forever I will be...

And a week later I get a speeding ticket in another county. Oy.

Yes, I hope 2017 goes much better for me.

Don't drink and drive.